nilielh | [Fic] Book of Tears

Title : [Fic] Book of Tears 1 - The Day After
Pairing : Ohmiya (Ohno/Nino)
Rating : R
Genre : Angst in large doses. Eventual romance (more tags in AO3)
Disclaimer : fiction, yo!
Word count : 815 words
Summary : One year after their break up, Ohno found something of Nino’s that would make him want to revisit the past.
Note : Format will be different, so please bear with me.

He’d have to give himself a lot of credit for actually remembering that day clearly, since he’d known himself enough to know the extent of his memory when it mattered and that day had probably gone right into the top of his most memorable list (a list which included most of the moments he had with Arashi and with Nino). He remembered being asked how he was when he walked in that morning for work, gaze shifting around to locate Nino’s familiar slouch on the sofa and finding no one except Aiba who was then laying face first into the sofa cushions.

He remembered feeling lost – the awful feeling of last night coming back in dizzying waves as he realized he was being addressed quite loudly by Sho and Jun; he didn’t know how to describe the feeling, but he knew then that it came close to what he felt when his grandmother died – only more intense, more painful.

He remembered wanting to crawl himself into a hole and stay there for the rest of eternity, if only to stop the pain, if only to make sure he wouldn’t give in to the need of reaching out to Nino without actually realizing that he’s doing it.

And now somehow, he wished he had allowed himself to act the way no one probably expected him to act then – not him, not his bandmates, and most especially not Nino – because if he had, then things would have probably been a lot different.

Especially now that he had the opportunity to look deeper into Nino’s thoughts the way he wished he should have been able to a year ago.

Hi, Ohchan.

You were almost late and I thought I saw you wearing that old shirt – the one Nakai-san gave you – the one I told you never to wear because you look like that poor, old man we once saw sleeping under the broken bridge when we took a walk that evening after our Yokohama tour, heh. But, well, okay, you still look way sexier than that old man, no matter what you wear so I think its okay.

How are you? Were you able to sleep perfectly last night? Because I didn’t, and I wanted to tell you that exactly this morning but I had to stop myself short when I realized I’m no longer allowed to whine at you since, well, we already broke up. It’s funny, the way I almost turned around and apologized, grabbed you, and ask you to stop me from leaving even after I started walking away – because I don’t know how you did it, looking at me like you’ve only been waiting for me to say the words – then you’re gone.

I want to know how you managed to smile at me like that when I came in after you, like nothing happened, as if breaking up was something you never considered painful. So I had to make sure I’m acting the part the same way you’re doing yours even when it’s practically tearing me in half knowing that I couldn’t rest my head on your shoulder the way I used to – that I couldn’t kiss you no matter how much I wanted to when no one is looking because I don’t have the right to do it anymore than you do.

It’s pathetic because I feel miserable and it’s only been a day, while I can see how better you’re faring without me.

But I guess I should be fine with all of these because I was the one who proposed this, but maybe, seeing you laugh with the others while I watch, seeing you do the things you used to do without bothering looking around to check how I’m doing half the time you were obviously having fun without the usual bother that is me hanging all over you, pains me more than it should.

And it hurts, Ohchan; it hurts so much and I wish you could see how much I wanted to take everything back… how badly I wanted to run back to you even though I already started walking away last night, and how miserably stupid I feel right now for even thinking that I can do this alone.

But I can’t take it back – I can’t no matter how much I want to because I’m stubborn, and stupid, and there’s no way I could be able to face you and beg you to take me back; I can’t, you know I can’t but god knows that’s what I want, and,

I want you back, Oh-chan, and it’s only been a day.

How the hell am I going to move past this if I don’t even know how to begin?

Ohno turned the page, his eyes blurred with tears. Sighing deeply, he braced himself and prepared to read another entry with his heart on his throat.

(Book of Tears - 2)