I Have Kept You In My Heart

[nilielh]

Title : [Fic] I Have Kept You In My Heart (Part 1)
Pairing :  Ohno/Jun, Sho/Nino, Ohno/Nino, Eventual Jun/?
Rating : R
Summary : Before Jun, there was only Nino.  The man Ohno loved with everything he had, loved with such ferocity that any other emotion would pale in comparison. He was Ohno's everything, the love of his life, the person Ohno dreamed of sharing his whole life with someday. Until Nino's untimely death, six years ago.
Disclaimer : fiction, yo!
Warning : Angst in large doses. Memory loss. Minor character death. One-sided love.

 

Ohno was nursing his fourth shot glass when his phone started vibrating in his pocket.

He could ignore it, of course, but he was bored to a T and he'd been trying to find an excuse to get the hell out of this place for the last half hour but couldn't. Whoever was calling him right now was definitely a godsend, he thought, as he fished out his phone from his jean’s pocket, locating it in one try.

He glanced around and found Jun exchanging pleasantries with some of those University of the Arts professors Ohno was forced to shake hands with earlier, catching his gaze and gesturing with his hand towards the exit door while waving his still vibrating phone.

Jun nodded in answer and Ohno tilted his head in affirmation. He was out of the stool he had been sitting at for the past half hour, phone plastered on his ear as he made his way out of the nearest exit.

++

The voice on the other end sounded like the years that passed didn't happen. Aiba still laughed the same way, his voice still sounded the way it did the last time Ohno heard it. Ohno wondered how someone could stay the same when Ohno sometimes had troubles recognizing himself when he stared at his reflection in the mirror.

He felt somewhat undeserving of Aiba's friendship, unchanging like the man himself even after so many years.

“So, how are you? I supposed I should get mad at you for not inviting us to your last art exhibition but I'm willing to forgive you if you say you're reserving us VIP tickets to your next one in compensation for not inviting us on your first, you hotshot artist, you,” Aiba said, only half-joking because it was true.

Ohno chuckled. "I already apologized for that, didn't I?" he said, not wanting to comment on the fact that the 'not inviting' thing was intentional. That exhibition happened almost three years ago, and Ohno was most certain the reason Aiba wasn't invited was because Ohno wasn’t ready to see Aiba then yet, or anyone who had a connection with the person he was deliberately trying to forget.

“I guess you did,” Aiba replied with an over-dramatic sigh before it was followed by an obviously helpless giggle that had Ohno clutching his phone tightly against his ear trying to keep his emotions reigned in before he could stop himself.

“But still, I demand that you invite us personally this time around. You owe us, old man.”

"Yeah, well, I'll see what I can do." he said, and he did find himself glad that he meant it.

“I'm counting on that,” Aiba said, pausing for a moment that had Ohno wondering if he'd somehow lost Aiba there, at least until he heard Aiba speaking again.

“Kazuko Kaa-chan was asking after you, you know? She was wondering when you're going to show up here to visit. Said she missed you.”

Ohno's unruly chest tightened, the remembered pain was so intense he could barely breathe through the sudden wave of emotion resurfacing. He was almost drowning in it that he found himself gripping the nearest wall to keep himself steady, breathing through his nose so as to calm the debilitating need to weep.

It wasn't easy, but he at least managed it.

He hadn’t meant to abandon everything and everyone, but it had to be done, one way or another. It was that or give up on his life entirely, which he’d almost chosen to, the first few months after Kazu’s death.

He swallowed through the lump in his throat, wishing his voice didn't sound as shaky as he felt.  "I was actually planning to, but I - I didn't want to surprise her," he said, shutting his eyes close if only to chase away the memories of the kind woman's face, almost unrecognizable through the miserable tears and grief the last time he saw her.

“She wouldn't mind if you did, Oh-chan, you know that,” Aiba countered, using the nickname Ohno preferred not to be called with anymore. The memories attached to that  pet name were so precious as they were painful, and Ohno wished  not to be reminded of them anymore, if he could help it.

“His family were here earlier, even his Dad. And his sister. Did you know she gave birth to another son last Spring? She had five kids in total now, can you believe that?”

Ohno smiled. "Really? Wow, she's on a roll, huh?"

“Oh, totally. But personally, I couldn't imagine having that many children myself. They're probably going to drive me mad, if you know what I'm saying,” Aiba said, like an afterthought. Ohno found himself laughing, imagining watching tiny Aibas running around the house, screaming.

Such a scary and interesting thought, to be honest.

“Well, that's it. I actually just called to make sure you haven't forgotten us and to check how you're doing. I mean, I know it's been a while, and it's been, what, six years since he's been gone, and we do understand if you still feel like you're not ready to see us yet, but just…We missed you, Oh-chan. We really do. And I hope that we'll get to see you again one day, whenever you're ready, that is.” Aiba said, his voice softening.

Ohno was certain that the lump in his throat doubled in size. Still, he did his best to speak through it, his eyes stinging and his voice cracking embarrassingly around each syllable when he answered.

"I missed you guys, too." he returned, honestly mirroring Aiba's sentiments. There were other things he wished he could say, but he wouldn't do so on the phone. Besides, such things he didn't have to say in big words, and he was certain Aiba wasn't expecting him to.

“I'm sure you do, so come visit us sometime, okay? And you could also use that opportunity to bring your new partner along for us to meet, too, how's that sound?” Aiba asked, hopeful, and Ohno found himself agreeing without meaning to.

“Great. Talk to you again soon, yeah? Bye, Oh-chan!”

He was just pocketing his phone when a familiar voice called out from behind him, and an equally familiar hand settling warmly over his shoulder.

"Satoshi, are you okay?"

+

"If this is how you're going to be all night, you should have declined my offer to go home early  when I suggested it. "

Ohno watched as Jun hastily extricated himself away from where he'd been positioned in between Ohno's legs on the bed, and walked away, barefoot and naked towards the direction of the bathroom. Ohno kept his eyes trained on Jun's back, watching as Jun reached for the robe he'd carefully hung there earlier. Jun was tying the belt on the front when he turned around to face Ohno, his eyes dark and knowing.

Ohno lowered his gaze and realized he still had his pants on, the front unzipped and his uninterested cock hanging limply out of it.

He closed his eyes and resisted the urge to curse aloud.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong or am I supposed to forget this shit didn't happen? Again." muttered Jun. The last bit was spoken with underlying pain that Ohno couldn't help but be ashamed of himself for acting like an uncaring bastard on multiple occasions when Jun deserved anything but, but he just couldn't.

Even apologies would only sound pretentious at this point, and the last thing Jun needed was for him to act like he was sorry when they both know he wasn't.

"Nothing's wrong," he answered, tucking himself back into his pants and zipping up, before opting on rolling out of bed to avoid looking at Jun entirely.

He'd avoid an argument if he could help it - there was no use arguing over things that he had no control over, after all - but it obviously seemed like they were heading there.

"I had your cock in my mouth for the past ten minutes and you didn't even get hard," Jun commented, his tone dangerously edging into hysteria. Ohno sat down on the edge of the bed, wincing mentally, and faced the wall if only so he wouldn't have to see the hurt painting Jun's face.

Hearing it was more than enough, really.

"Which, I wouldn't say is a first, because it isn't, but still," Jun muttered, then paused, "Seriously. Come on, humor me. Is this because of that again?" Jun asked, like he knew better than to outright point out the cause of all this mess.

Ohno honestly didn't need him to.

It was bad enough that he was well aware that he was hurting Jun, over and over again, for the simple fact that he still couldn't get over that heartbreaking loss even after so long, but, what else could he do? It's been years - six, to be exact - and yet, whenever this particular month rolled around, those painful memories would, too. He'd lived through that nightmare despite the difficulty, still, there were times that he honestly wished he didn't.

Jun had been one of the many reasons why Ohno was glad he did, amongst other things, but even then, he still couldn't shut off that part of him that longed for the person that was no longer there.

He's certain Jun knew, though he did try not to make an issue out of it despite the fact that he had every reason to. Today was probably one of the rare times Jun allowed this to bother him, and Ohno honestly felt so out of his depth, unsure of what to say or do.

"No," he countered, in lieu of saying something even more idiotic. "I'm just tired," he added as he looked around in search of his shirt. He found it lying discarded on the floor, where Jun must have thrown it carelessly aside earlier.

"Tired?" Jun muttered, sounding somewhat incredulous. Ohno couldn't exactly blame him. "From what? You've barely made progress on that one project you've immersed yourself into six months prior, and the one thing you've been working on since the start of last year, you don't even want to show to me. You know I only need to see it to know if it's worthy enough to be added to your planned exhibit at the end of this year, too, right?" Jun complained, frustration and confusion marring his voice.

Ohno shook his head. "I haven't agreed to that exhibit yet, Jun." he clarified, pursing his lips. He'd opted on keeping his mouth shut and not comment on the matter entirely, despite the fact that Jun obviously wanted him to.

Jun frowned. "You're not actually serious, are you?"

Ohno pursed his lips and decided not to answer.

Truthfully, he had no plans of showing that project to anyone, least of all to Jun. He didn't start that one with the purpose of showing it to anybody, but because he simply wanted to. He felt like he owed to himself, and to the person he'd spent years loving with all of his heart and lost, to do it.

He hadn't meant to show it to Jun because he was afraid Jun would not understand.

"It's been six years, Satoshi," Jun mumbled after a long pause, making Ohno's eyes snap up to him in shock. Their gazes locked, and for a moment there, Ohno saw something in Jun's eyes he hadn't seen in a while.

" Six years, " Jun repeated, pointing it out like Ohno hadn't realized it, too, the edges of his lips quivering just the slightest bit. "Normally, that's long enough for anyone to get over the death of someone -"

He raised his hand up to stop Jun from continuing. "This has nothing to do with that." he lied through tightly-clenched teeth, his fingers itching to rub that part in his chest where it was aching fiercely at the moment.

He didn't, though, because he didn't want Jun to see how this was affecting him. He would never deliberately hurt Jun that way, no matter how badly Jun thought of him.

"Yeah," Jun said, dismissively, and turned around. He was halfway out the door when he stopped, and muttered, "Keep telling yourself that." offhandedly, and walked out, shutting the door firmly behind him.

Ohno allowed himself the freedom to utter rough curses under his breath the second Jun was out of sight.

+

Before Jun, there was only Nino.

The man Ohno loved with everything he had, loved with such ferocity that any other emotion would pale in comparison. He was Ohno's everything, the love of his life, the person Ohno dreamed of sharing his whole life with someday.

Until Nino's untimely death, six years ago.

Ohno never gotten the chance to say goodbye. Nino's death was so sudden that it took Ohno a while to be able to accept that fact without wanting to scream his lungs out in pain, in rage, in misery, every goddamn time he would think of Nino, of the reality that he wouldn't ever get to see Nino again.

It had been ruled out as an accident, but even until now, Ohno had his doubts. There hadn't been any signs of a foul play, he was told, no matter how many times they've investigated the scene. That same night, Ohno found Nino himself, lying lifeless on the cold concrete floor of Nino's parents' home, roughly an hour since he'd last talked to Nino.

They'd agreed to meet there earlier, since Ohno was scheduled to meet with a client later that afternoon. An art collector, he was told. It was Nino who told him it was okay to postpone their supposed meeting for a few hours, and in turn, Ohno promised to pick Nino up later that night to have dinner with Ohno's family.

In the end, neither of the two happened.

He was devastated beyond devastation itself, and it honestly felt like he was altered beyond recognition. He couldn't even recognize himself through the heartbreak of losing Nino so suddenly, hoping, wishing for quick death to claim him if only to stop the pain from completely consuming him.

But it never came.

It was so hard, the first few months without Nino. He couldn't remember a time when he wasn't drinking, trying to drown his misery with alcohol if only to forget he still exist. He'd sleep the day off and would wake up in the middle of the night sobbing his heart out, missing the warmth he usually slept with because Nino wasn't there.

It was hell, plain and simple. And Ohno wished for nothing then but to be freed from it all.

And just when he thought he couldn't go on anymore, Matsumoto Jun came along and saved him.

+

"So, how is he?" Kazuko Kaa-chan asked, the moment Aiba ended the call. Aiba shrugged and gave her the compressed version of what he and Ohno talked about on the phone earlier, watching her expression changing from time to time.

"New partner, huh?" she scoffed, as she went back to her task earlier. Drying the plates and handing them over to Aiba so he could put them back in the drawer where she usually kept them.

Aiba said nothing, careful not to upset her further. It was obvious that she was, though, and Aiba didn't need her to say it for him to confirm it, even though she was the one who told Aiba to call Ohno earlier, to say hello, ask how Ohno was doing.

She was like a mother to him, to Ohno, too, maybe even more than his own mother was sometimes, and he loved her with all of his heart.

Sometimes, when Aiba looked at her, he wondered how she'd ever lived through the pain of losing her son when Aiba himself had barely managed it.

They were childhood friends, Nino and him. Growing up together in this small town until they both ended up attending college in Tokyo, sharing everything from snacking on vanilla-scented tissues to sharing underwears. He'd been with Nino through most, if not all, significant events of his best friend's life, aside from the one Aiba was certain Nino needed him most.

Losing his best friend six years ago was devastating. It was like half of his heart had been taken away from him, snatched and stomped upon cruelly, and it was lucky that he could still function properly after it.

The years had dulled the pain, sure, but they weren't enough to erase it fully.

Aiba wondered if there would ever come a day when he would think of Nino and not feel like breaking down everytime, though, he highly doubted it.

"Apparently, they're on the same line of work, which is probably why they click." he added, honestly curious about this new love Ohno found and what was he like, though he was certain she was no longer listening.

"Well, I don't think that boy would ever pay attention to anyone, same line of work or not, if my Kazu is here." she said, with so much conviction that made Aiba smile.

"Certainly, Kaa-chan," Aiba agreed readily, reaching over her hand and squeezing it. It was one thing to love someone else's mother for everything she was, and it was another for her being all kinds of wonderful just the same.

Aiba really, really loved her.

"Nino's kind of a gem, we all know that, and there's no doubt that Oh-chan obviously thought the same. Surely, he -" he followed, and was rudely interrupted by the Ninomiya's home phone ringing.

"Do you want me to answer that?" he asked instead, though she was already up on her feet and was on her to answer the phone herself. She smiled and shook her head at the same time she picked up the phone.

"Hello, this is Ninomiya's residence, how may I - hello ?” she paused, and Aiba frowned, watching her fingers tightening around the receiver.  “Yes,
this is his mother. Yes... W-Wait, what?" she stuttered, her grip around the phone shaking.

Aiba found himself on his feet and crossing the short distance between them the next instant  before he realized he was moving.

"Kaa-chan, what's wrong?" he asked, but she didn't even as much as throw him a glance.

The fact only made the awful feeling in Aiba's chest worse.

He watched her lips move though no words come out, watched her chin tremble as tears started streaming down her face as she cried. Aiba reached over then stopped, his hands suspended mid-air as she mumbled words that sounded like Yes , and I'll be there as soon as I can under her breath.

When she put down the phone, she was still crying, but when she looked up, Aiba was shocked to find her smiling at the same time.

Aiba honestly didn't know what was happening.

"Kaa-chan, what -"

She cut him off by throwing herself at him, her arms tight around his waist as she cried on his chest, her words muffled by the fact that she was sobbing through each dragging syllable.

Still, Aiba understood her fully.

"Ma-kun, he's awake ," she said, shaking awfully in his arms. "They said he has recovered. The hospital called just now and they told me my son had regained consciousness. Let's go there now, oh my God, please come with me. I need to see my son, Ma-kun, oh please!"

Aiba blinked. Awake? Recovered?

Son?

What the hell was going on?