![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nilielhPairing : Ohno/Jun, Sho/Nino, Ohno/Nino, Eventual Jun/?
Rating : R
Summary : Before Jun, there was only Nino. The man Ohno loved with everything he had, loved with such ferocity that any other emotion would pale in comparison. He was Ohno's everything, the love of his life, the person Ohno dreamed of sharing his whole life with someday. Until Nino's untimely death, six years ago.
Disclaimer : fiction, yo!
Warning : Angst in large doses. Memory loss. Minor character death. One-sided love.
Some might call it fate, but Ohno liked to think it was something else.
He was on the brink of giving up then, was seriously considering ending his miserable life with his own two hands since the alcohol was obviously taking its sweet time finishing the job like he'd meant it to, but he guessed God, or whoever was watching over him then obviously had other plans.
They had to be, since it was then that he'd met Jun.
It was night like any other, and Ohno had plans on spending it just like the usual. To drink himself to oblivion, and maybe drink some more if his liver was up for it. But somehow, the night turned out just a tad different than he'd normally expected, because then he'd woken up the next morning, naked beside someone else, and not on an empty bed the way he'd done so in months.
It might be fate, alright, but Ohno still liked to think it was something else.
He'd spent years thinking what it was, what it could be, but he still hadn't come up with anything.
And this morning, too, six years after Nino's death, he looked at Jun sleeping soundly on the bed next to him and wondered if he ever would.
+++
It's dark when Ohno reached the house, calling out Nino's name even before he is properly out of the cab. His heart is racing and it doesn't help that despite the distance, he could clearly see that the front door of the house is slightly ajar.
He breaks into a run and doesn't even make it there.
The lump at the middle of the front steps stops him from advancing further, his body moving without permission from his brain. He stoops down, crouches, his hearing being hindered by the loud pounding of his blood in his ears and reaches over to pick the figure from the ground and onto his lap.
He knows who it is even before he gets to see the person's face.
"K-Kazu? Kazu, it's me, can you hear me? Kazu -"
Nino is deathly still, and it doesn't seem like he could hear Ohno. Ohno shakes him hard for good measure, and it is only then that his eyes flutter open . Ohno's brain is a cluttered mess, cataloguing details he sees faster than he could comprehend, his chest heaving hard as he shakes Nino awake.
The cut on Nino's lips, his left eye swelling and the feel of something warm oozing from the back of his head into Ohno's hand holding Nino's head in place.
Nino mouth the words, "I love you," but no sound came out, before his eyes shut, his head lolls on Ohno's lap where it stays unmoving despite Ohno's effort to wake him up. Ohno shakes him again for good measure, two more times after that, before he stops.
He picks Nino up, arms branding around Nino as he buries his face against Nino's damp temple, screaming Nino's name.
Nino doesn't open his eyes again.
"Kazunari!" Ohno screams his heart out -
...and woke up on an empty bed, cold but drenched in sweat.
"I feel like I should be upset but it's too early still and I don't want to start the day getting worked up over the dead so, good morning. There's coffee if you want some and breakfast, if you feel like eating." Jun said from the door, already dressed and ready to go. He gave Ohno this look that spoke volume and turned away before Ohno could even make up an excuse for waking up screaming his dead first love's name.
Not that it would matter, since Jun had obviously resigned to his fate this morning, but still, Ohno felt like he should have done something. Anything.
He groaned and rolled onto his side, burying his face on the pillow. God, what was wrong with him, really? Nino's been dead for six years, for fuck's sake; why did he have to keep remembering everything that happened that night as if they only happened the night before?
Was there a reason for all these? Did that phone call from Aiba-chan had something to do with these forcibly buried memories from resurfacing?
He couldn’t be sure, but one thing's for certain; mulling over it wasn't going to help. It was only going to make matters worse, not only for him but it would also put an ever bigger strain into his relationship with Jun than what was already there.
Somehow, he could think of it as just Nino's odd way of reminding him he was due for a visit, which he was, actually, if that would make things easier. It's been years, and it's not to say that the reason he hadn't been doing so was because he wasn't ready.
He just didn't want to.
He'd been occupied with work and his relationship with Jun that he hadn't actually given himself the time to grieve properly, not that he didn't, because the months he spent drinking himself to oblivion was a testament to it. Still, he wondered if he could have done so properly, if it could have changed the way he'd handled things then. He'd jumped into bed with another man a few months after Nino's death with all the intention to forget, after all, but that didn't mean that was all there was to it.
Back then, the attraction was enough to keep Ohno distracted, and despite knowing that he was, and would love Nino with all of his heart forever, it didn't stop him from keeping Jun on his bed, and later on by his side, everyday thereafter.
Ohno honestly thought then that Jun was his ticket out of hell.
He didn't think he could be wrong, though.
But maybe, this time, Jun was right. Six years was long enough to get over the death of a loved one, after all, and the only other reason Ohno hadn't been able to was because he hadn't let Nino go.
Maybe, it was high time that he did.
++
The coffee was still thankfully hot when Ohno emerged out of the bedroom, already showered and dressed. Jun shot him a look and heaved a seemingly long-suffering sigh before he stood and poured Ohno a cup.
Ohno took a seat on the stool there and watched the way Jun moved around the kitchen stiffly.
"Higayashima-san's secretary called, asking if we're still interested," Jun said conversationally, and Ohno was half-glad the query had nothing to do with the mess Ohno made last night and early this morning, too, just as Jun was sliding the mug of steaming hot coffee towards Ohno on the counter.
Ohno took the mug and muttered a quiet thanks under his breath, wondering who that Higayashima person was and what was it about him that should interest Ohno.
"On what? And am I supposed to know who that is?" he asked, blinking as he took a sip.
Jun rolled his eyes at him. "Seriously? He's the Japanese Ambassador to the ASEAN Assembly of the Arts. He requested your participation to that event that will be held in Singapore in November, you don't remember?"
Ohno didn't, but he wasn't about to admit that, lest he'd be in trouble. He didn't need more to add to the growing list of things he was capable of to annoy Jun. He could obviously do that himself easily without any help.
"And what about that planned exhibition in September?" he countered, already dreading the amount of work he had to finish if he agreed on both, which he wasn't planning to. He was not that crazy.
"I thought that was what you wanted to do." he added, like an afterthought.
"We can probably postpone it, since you stil don't have enough materials to be shown there anyway. Plus, this Assembly is like a once in a lifetime chance, Satoshi, and you've just been invited in it." Jun insisted, "They'll be showcasing artists' works from all over the globe and you’re lucky to be chosen as one of the three to represent Japan in it."
Jun was obviously already sold to the idea of Ohno participating in that event so Ohno didn't think there was any chance for him to say no. Besides, he would have to agree on it anyway since he was already decided he didn't want to do that exhibition this year, too.
"Would they be requiring new stuff to be shown in that event, or my old ones from the previous exhibitions are enough?"
"No idea, but I can ask." Jun returned.
"Might be better if you did.."
"Okay. And if they said yes? Do you have enough ready in case they ask?"
Ohno shrugged. He had more than a dozen finished artworks so he guessed that wouldn't be a problem. Unless of course if they would ask for more.
"Depends on the number of artworks they need," he said. "I think I have eighteen complete pieces, twenty-three if you count the unfinished ones."
"Should be enough, I think," Jun said, "But I'll still clarify. I'll get back to you once I've had answers."
"Thanks."
"So, now that that's out of the way," Jun said, leaning against the counter giving Ohno a look, "Do you want to tell me what's going on and why I think you are back to mourning after your dead boyfriend, six years after his death?"
Ohno cursed inwardly and decided to keep up with the lie. "I wasn't." he said, then, "I'm not." as if to make sure Jun heard him.
Jun crossed his arms tightly over his chest in a clear act of defense. "That's bullshit," Jun spat, "We both know what happened last night, Satoshi, and this morning, too. Do you want me to remind you?"
He clenched his jaw and muttered, "No, thanks." under his breath.
Jun paused, opening his mouth probably to say something before quickly shutting it off again. He was looking at Ohno as if he was weighing his options, hesitant in a way that made Ohno's heart hurt.
"We need to talk about this, Satoshi," Jun mumbled, and Ohno couldn't help but notice the slight tremble in his voice when he spoke. "I have to talk this out to you or else we won't ever get to. Then it will happen again and I'm certain it will only be a matter of time before we end up where we started, and frankly, I don't think I ever want to go back there again."
He bit his tongue in lieu of saying inappropriate; he was sure that anything he came up with at this point would only make matters worse.
"There's nothing to talk about," he said, picking up the mug pretending examining its content. "I - It was just a dream, for god's sake. Don't make it into something it's not."
"Oh, but it is, isn't it? It's never just been 'something' to you, it never has been, and I get it, I really do, but this -" Jun paused, breathed deeply.
"This is seriously humiliating, you know?" Jun said, after a long beat, like he'd thought about what to say and how to say them. "I did try to understand you, and I'm still trying to, because I know how much you loved him. I'm not blind, Satoshi, okay, I know what his death did to you, but this can't go on forever. It's hard enough for my ego to accept that the reason you stayed with me was because I kept you sane, back then when you thought you wanted to end everything. Because you did show me that you cared, that I wasn't just like one of those forgettable one-night stands you fuck one night and gone the next. I swear I could live with the fact that I won't ever get to have you to myself completely, that I'll be sharing your heart with another man for as long as I stay with you, but what's unacceptable is that I have to constantly compete with his memories when you and I both know I shouldn't. He's dead, Satoshi, and I refused to engage myself into a fight that I'm certain I won't be able to win." Jun pointed out, like he need Ohno to understand it, like Ohno didn't know.
Ohno shook his head yet again, feeling so undeserving of all this.
He looked up and was once again floored with how vulnerable Jun was at the moment, the way he was openly bearing his soul for Ohno to see.
"Jun, I -" he started, but cut himself halfway, unable to make himself say the words knowing an apology wasn't what Jun needed from him right now, but something else. Something Ohno knew he couldn't give Jun, and who knew if he ever could.
He'd given it once and had promised himself never to take it back, and the only other person he'd freely given it to had not only accepted it, he'd also kept it with him and had taken it with him to his grave.
He lowered his gaze and for one, heartbreaking moment, he realized he couldn't breathe.
"Don't waste your time loving a dead person because we both know he won't ever come back to reciprocate it. Keep him in your memory for as long as you want, remember him sometimes if that's how you prefer it, and I swear I won't say anything but just... just remember, you're still here. You're still alive, Satoshi, so, live."
"Don't let the dead hinder your chance to be happy." Jun said, reaching over to catch Ohno's hands in between Jun's own.
Ohno averted his gaze, knowing it was easier said than done.
++
The hours seemed to drag itself longer than usual, and Aiba felt the strain of waiting weighing him down. He and Kazuko-san spent the night sitting on Nino’s bedside, watching Nino sleep, and somehow, it was evident in the way that they’ve barely spoken to each other after Kazuko-san’s revelation surrounding Nino’s supposed death that they were both scared.
Scared that Nino wouldn’t open his eyes again, the same way he did the day before.
He’d gone out for a smoke half an hour ago and decided to stretch out his legs by sitting outside for a bit, though he mostly just wanted to be alone to think. He was certain that Kazuko-san knew what was bothering him, that something else was weighing in his mind, and it was heavy enough to keep him up all night worrying about it, apart from watching Nino in his sleep.
How was he going to tell Ohno this?
Of course, not telling Ohno was obviously out of the question. The other man had all the right to be informed about this very sudden development, despite the circumstances. Hell, they all have the right to know everything about this, circumstances be damned. Kazuko-san didn’t have to hide the fact surrounding Nino’s condition, no matter what, and he refused to understand her reasons, even though he wouldn’t ever tell her that to her face. Aiba just didn’t know whether he had to wait out until he’d talked to Nino and Kazuko-san again, just for propriety’s sake, if only to make sure he wasn’t about to mess things up further by literally dropping the bomb into Ohno’s face and expect him not to do anything drastic.
Obviously, doing so would be like a train wreck waiting to happen, and the last thing Aiba wanted was to cause those he loved the heartbreak they would certainly suffer the minute this got out. They’ve all had to suffer the same thing for six years, after all, and Aiba would want to avoid causing more pain if he could help it.
Though, he didn’t doubt it, not even for one bit, that the news of Nino ‘waking up’ would definitely make Ohno happy, but it would also tear Ohno’s heart apart at the same time, realizing that the love of his life was alive all this time, while he’d went on his way and moved on, thinking Nino was gone forever.
Aiba groaned and dropped his head in between his hands, internally suffering. Of course, telling Ohno was one thing; there was obviously the issue of Nino’s mental state, of his lost memories, and that one was huge enough to make Aiba pause and think. He couldn’t outright ask Nino last night, even though the urge was overwhelmingly strong he had to fight it off by repeatedly reminding himself of Nino’s condition.
Somehow, the fact only seemed to break Aiba’s heart even more.
The doctor had said something about Nino not remembering anything about the accident, and through further inquiries, revealed that Nino had only fragments of memories from around five years before the accident happened. Nino couldn’t remember ever going into college, or anything that happened after his twentieth birthday. When asked if he remembered his age, Nino had frowned and said he was certain he would turn twenty in a few weeks, but that it was weird that everyone he knew looked old, including himself.
Aiba didn’t have to be a doctor to know what that meant.
It was clear that Nino had lost years worth of memories, including the ones when he’d met and fallen in love with Ohno, the next couple of years they were together, and the years he spent in a coma.
How was he supposed to tell Ohno this, too?
God, it was difficult enough being here, knowing what he had to do, but couldn’t, feeling like his hands were tied tightly behind him and couldn’t escape. He had been seriously considering throwing cautions to the wind and just get it over and done with, call Ohno now and tell him to come right over to see Nino, but that sensible thinking part of him simply wouldn’t agree.
He couldn’t even put the responsibility of informing Ohno to Kazuko-san, knowing that the older woman obviously didn’t give two shit about Ohno right now, so, that left Aiba with too little choices in his hands.
He took his phone out of his jean’s pocket and stared miserably at it, the way he’d done so many times in the last half hour. He’d taken it out and stared at it, contemplating, before ending up shoving it back into his pocket again. This time, he’d went as far as unlocking the screen and tapping on the Call icon, slid his finger down to find Ohno’s name and hovered on it for a while before the feel of his phone vibrating in his hand startled him.
He blinked, and realized he was staring at Ohno’s name on the screen, calling him. Without thinking, he tapped Accept and slapped the phone against his left ear.
Aiba-chan, hello. It’s Ohno. Is this a good time? I mean, can we talk?
Aiba nodded, then realized Ohno couldn’t actually see him. He cleared his throat and huffed out a garbled, “Yes.” hoping he didn’t sound as startled as he felt.
Yeah, well, I just. I was actually thinking of, you know, going there. To visit. So, well, I was just wondering if you’re free this weekend to, you know, have coffee or something? I mean, I was actually planning on dropping by to see - I mean, to visit his g-grave, so I was thinking if you’re, um, free, to, well, go with me? I just -
Aiba shut his eyes and wondered if this was some kind of divine intervention, feeling his heart beating a mile a minute, not exactly hearing the rest of what Ohno was saying.
“I was seriously about to call you, too, Oh-chan,” he found himself saying, cutting Ohno off without meaning to.
Oh, does that mean you’re not free?, Ohno was saying, clearly misunderstanding. It’s okay, I mean, I’ll just. I know my way around, anyway. I mean -
“No, no, I mean, it’s fine.” Aiba cut him off again, feeling his eyes sting at knowing he had a lot to say but couldn’t. He could, of course, but not right now and obviously not on the phone. He wouldn’t do that to Ohno, no, he just couldn’t.
Really?
“Yeah,” Aiba breathed. “So, well, just message me what time you will arrive so I could pick you up from the station. How’s that?” he added. That settled it, he thought, already dreading the moment he would have to be the one to tell Ohno everything, but he figured it couldn’t be helped.
That would be wonderful, Ohno said, sounding relieved. So, what was that you wanted to talk to me about? You said you were about to call me, right?
Aiba never felt so helpless, until that moment, when his heart had wanted him to scream, Yes, it’s about Nino!!!, but he knew he couldn’t. At least not yet.
Instead, he settled on, “Nothing. I just wanted to say hello.” and laughed even though he didn’t mean to.
Ohno did the same from the other end and said, Ah, well, I just read your mind, then? It’s fine, I’ll see you in a few days, yeah?
If you did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You’d probably be on your way here, planning my demise as we speak. But as it was, you couldn’t.
And man, I don’t know whether to be glad or not… Aiba thought and hang up before he ended up saying something he knew he would certainly regret later.
