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nilielhPairing : Ohno/Jun, Sho/Nino, Ohno/Nino, Eventual Jun/?
Rating : R
Summary : Before Jun, there was only Nino. The man Ohno loved with everything he had, loved with such ferocity that any other emotion would pale in comparison. He was Ohno's everything, the love of his life, the person Ohno dreamed of sharing his whole life with someday. Until Nino's untimely death, six years ago.
Disclaimer : fiction, yo!
Warning : Angst in large doses. Memory loss. Minor character death. One-sided love.
To say that he was shocked was definitely an understatement.
“Me?” he barked back, momentarily forgetting where he was and who he was actually talking to. Well, he guessed it was just normal, considering he was expecting anything, any sort of explanation about this whole Nino thing; what had happened and why she had decided to hide the truth from everyone when she could have easily rectified her actions the moment she found out Nino’s heart had miraculously started beating again, but certainly not this.
Anything but this.
Kazuko-san didn’t look the least bit concerned that he’d ended up slightly raising his voice at her, or that he was looking at her as if she’d gone crazy. He could feel the rise of something ugly and bitter in his throat, could feel his fingers shook in barely-concealed anger along with the rest of him as he stared her over.
“You’re not actually serious,” he grunted through tightly gritted teeth, hoping he didn’t sound as furious as he felt. “You don’t really think I had something to do with what happened to your son, do you?” he added, knowing deep down that it’s exactly what she was referring to.
Kazuko-san barely blinked. “I don’t know, Satoshi-kun, you tell me,” she said, shrugging. “As far as I know, you were the only person who knew what really happened. But we didn’t get to ask you properly back then because you were either pissed off drunk or passed out cold.” She followed, her tone masked with coldness that he honestly found it difficult to keep looking at her, watching her as she all but shook her daughter’s hand off her when the younger woman reached over and grabbed her mother’s arm to stop her.
“Mom, please –“
“That’s not true,” he cut in, chest heaving in remembered pain. He never, not even once during the past years thinking Nino was dead, thought Kazuko-san was suspecting him about Nino’s ‘death’ when she should have known better.
Or, did she?
He kept his eyes trained on her despite the difficulty, unblinking, watching her mouth twitched just the slightest bit. “You of all people should know that I would never do anything to hurt Nino.” he said, unwavering.
Maybe it was his fault for not talking properly to her, to them, after the investigation was done and he was clear of any suspicion, but he had his reasons. Perhaps he might be guilty, too, but only for the fact that he came to Nino’s rescue a couple of minutes too late, blaming himself over and over again for not being able to save Nino in time.
Kazuko-san kept her gaze on him, too. “I honestly want to believe that, I truly do, but can you blame me?” she asked, and despite everything she’d said, after knowing she’d suspected him all these years, he couldn’t really blame her, could he?
“No, I guess not.”
“Right, because we all know you left Chiba even before we’ve properly ‘buried’ my son, and you refused to come visit us during these past six years as if you were trying to avoid us entirely.” She added, unapologetic.
“And you thought that was because I was guilty?” he shook his head in answer at the incredulity, trying his best to understand her pain knowing that despite their supposedly different circumstances, the hurt they felt – and was still feeling - was one and the same.
“Your actions made it specifically hard for me not to suspect you,” she said, tipping her chin up in defiance, and something in his stomach twisted painfully in answer. “So, now’s your chance to say something. Tell me you didn’t do it. Tell me you’re not the reason Kazu almost died that night and maybe – maybe I’ll believe you.”
He shook his head again, in combined pain and disbelief. He honestly didn’t expect this, but somehow, he could understand it all. He brought this upon himself, when he’d kept quiet instead of explaining his side thoroughly, especially to the people who needed it most. When he’d chosen to flee instead of staying.
But he couldn’t stay, not then, not when the very reason he was there was gone forever. Or so he thought. He couldn’t, when every single corner of the place reminded him of Nino, of his failure to save the one person who meant everything to him.
He released the breath he didn’t know he was holding, barely keeping himself together as it was as he directed his gaze on Kazuko-san.
“Maybe…Maybe it was my fault for running away then, for not staying to grieve properly with you but I just – I couldn’t stay, not after what happened, Kaa-chan,” he said, his voice shaking something bad.
“I – I didn’t know how I was supposed to go on living knowing Kazu’s gone. I can’t begin to tell you how devastated I was, how it honestly felt like I, too, died with him when he drew his last breath in my arms, when I thought he drew his last breath. I – I didn’t tell you this, because, how could I? You’re grieving enough as it is, and the last thing you needed was to give away comfort to the person who least needed it.”
He breathed hard, ignoring the embarrassing tears marring his face. He’d gone six years covering this up, these emotions he’d kept buried underneath those he’d chosen not to confront himself with that had everything to do with Nino’s apparent death. The lid had been tossed open, and he guessed it was high time he faced them.
He didn’t dare look away even when he felt like it, keeping his eyes locked on Kazuko-san’s and vaguely noticing Kazue-san sobbing quietly next to her mother.
“I’d trade my own life for him, Kaa-chan,” he said, his voice just loud enough to be heard as he balled his hands to fists. “I swear to God, I will; I would have, if there was any chance for me to save him then.” He confessed, meaning it would all of his heart.
The remembered pain was overwhelming but he soldiered through it.
He took another breath and released it one go. “Maybe, you guys thought that I had it easy, that the past six years went by like they were nothing; that just because I refused to go and visit you meant I’ve forgotten about him because I didn’t. Or maybe, you’re thinking that I’ve moved on, because I spent more than five years with someone else, and I’ll be honest, I almost believed that too, but not for long. Especially lately. Even before I was told Nino was alive, I have been having this strange feeling, and now I know why.”
“And I know it might be hard, especially after everything that happened but I hope you find it in your heart to see that Kazu was everything to me, that I love him so much, and that I would never do anything to hurt him.” he finished, vaguely realizing he’d used present tense to describe his feelings, and knowing it to be true.
He loved Nino, then and now, and maybe for always. Nino’s apparent death didn’t change that, and he knew that from here on, after knowing Nino was alive although missing his memories of him, of them together, he was certain nothing ever could.
+
As expected, Kazuko-san didn’t stay long to even pretend to be a good host after that unforeseen confrontation.
Nino’s sister, Kazue-san, however, was different. She still looked at him as if she adored him silly, as if the very fact that he was here was enough to make her happy.
“Here, drink this,” she said, sliding a cold can of beer she’d fetched from her quick trip to the kitchen once her mother excused herself. “I’ll offer you something stronger but I remembered you’ll be driving yourself home so I thought beer would be the better choice.” She said, sitting directly opposite him as he ducked his head and muttered thanks under his breath.
“I should probably go,” he said, contemplating drinking the offered beverage. “I mean – I want to stay and wait until he’s awake so I could, you know, say goodbye, really, but I don’t think your Mom –“
“Don’t mind her,” Kazue-san cut in, tapping his arm and nudging the can towards him. “She’s just putting on that act to ward off anyone who tries to question her decision about my brother. I’m telling you, she did the same thing to me – well, not to the extent of telling me she suspected me of Kazu’s apparent death, of course – but something more lame, and I realized now that it’s sort of like her defense mechanism? It’s stupid, I know, and she wouldn’t ever admit to it but I know her. Crazy woman.” Kazue-san explained, chuckling and shaking her head as if the idea of her mother finally losing the few working screws in her head amused her. And as if she wasn’t seriously bawling her eyes out earlier while he confessed his feelings in the open, for all of them to hear.
Somehow, he didn’t know why it felt like she truly meant it.
“I – I don’t really understand –“
She waved her off with a curt, “As I said, don’t mind her, okay? Let her say anything she wants, but it doesn’t change the fact that she did something unforgiveable. Kazu’s condition these past six years, her worries about him not recovering, those didn’t give her the right to keep us in the dark, no matter what her reasons were, and I’m telling you, I’m going to give her shit for it, soon. I just want to make sure Kazu’s alright and my mother’s fear is unfounded.”
He frowned. “What do you mean?” he said, but somehow, despite the fact that he’d tried then, and everyday thereafter, to forgive himself and forget what happened, he knew.
What happened to Nino was no accident, and he was certain everyone knew about it, too.
Judging with the way Kazuko-san questioned him like a common criminal, it wasn’t hard to figure that out.
“That someone was there with Kazu, other than you and Kazu himself. That what happened that night wasn’t an accident.”
“Someone obviously tried to kill my brother.”
+
“Are you sure this is okay?” he asked, lowly, following Kazue-san’s lead as she opened the door to her brother’s room. “Your Mom is going to throw a fit if she finds out you’re letting me in here, and Jesus, what am I going to tell Nino if he wakes up and see me?”
“Tsk, will you ease up? I thought you said you want to see him before you go? So, now’s your chance. Stop whining.” She said, tugging at his hand and reaching behind him to close the door.
“How about your Mom?”
She pushed him forward, gesturing for him to sit on the lone chair near the head of the bed. Nino was fast asleep, and he swore his unruly chest tightened at the sight of him. God, he could still remember the last time he watched Nino sleeping on the bed next to him, never imagining the moment could be the last.
Well, he thought it was. Until now.
“She’s with the kids now. Don’t worry about her.”
“She’s going to kill me,” he said, only half-worried now that he was staring at Nino’s unmoving figure on the bed. He looked small, he looked fragile, pale and skinny, and that thing in his chest twist yet again, his protective instinct kicking in without him realizing it.
Kazue-san chuckled once again, sounding more entertained than he supposed the situation warranted. God, she’s just as weird as her mother, he thought, rounding to sit on the chair with his heart literally trying to beat its way out of his chest.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be guarding the door,” she said, tapping him on the shoulder, “Take your time, okay? If you want to give him a kiss, tell me now so I can watch?”
“Kazue-san!”
“Right, right, I’m going out. If he wakes up, well, just tell him the truth.”
He turned and gave her a look. “The truth?”
“That you’re here to introduce yourself properly again,” she winked at him, “since you weren’t able to earlier. I don’t know, you should know the reason, right, why are you asking me?”
“Jesus Christ.”
“I’ll lock the door, alright?”
“I don’t think that’s necessary –“ he hissed under his breath, cutting himself off watching her slip out of the door and closing it behind her.
He sighed. Well, this was – nice. He honestly didn’t think things would come to this, after the conversation he had with Nino’s mother earlier. He was actually expecting to be kicked out of the house immediately, but somehow, with Nino’s sister around, things went from sour to unexpectedly pleasant before he even realized it.
He carefully dragged the chair closer to Nino on the bed, careful not to make any noise before he settled. This close, it was even easier to spot the changes on Nino’s face that he wasn’t able to check before, feeling grateful and equal-parts amazed to be given the privilege when he hardly even think he deserved it.
Nino looked so peaceful like this, but somehow, the sight was enough to allow those painful memories from resurfacing. The last time he saw Nino like this, he was unconscious and unmoving, and it was the night he thought Nino died. It was the worst day ever, something he’d never gotten over with despite the years that passed, and maybe he wouldn’t ever.
Not even after knowing that Nino had, in fact, survived the accident.
He scooted a little closer, letting his gaze wander longingly to the face of the person he thought he’d lost forever, starting from Nino’s hair to his temple, to his closed eyes and the rounded tip of his nose, noting the fact that the usual dark bags under Nino’s eyes are missing. He chuckled and let his exploration continued, darting his gaze to Nino’s pale cheeks and jaw, the mole on his chin, before his gaze settled on Nino’s lips.
He bit the inside of his cheeks to keep any sound from spilling, but his emotion was overwhelming he barely able to keep it reined in as he looked down and away, feeling the corners of his eyes heat up despite his best efforts to keep his tears at bay.
How was it possible, he wondered, that being here, now, felt like the years that passed didn’t happen? The pain was overwhelming as was everything else he was feeling – the joy and the relief, particularly – as if watching Nino sleep right now, so near yet so far, felt like he was losing Nino all over again? He couldn’t even ward the memories away – the night of the accident most especially, but mostly, the regrets and every other memories he shared with Nino slamming into him in almost consuming waves.
Regrets mingled everything, because here he was, wanting nothing but to take Nino back and tell him who he was, what they were before the accident, but couldn’t because he was not free to do so, not anymore. He knew what he wanted, what his heart had always wanted, but now, it felt more like the things he wished for were made impossible.
Here, now, he knew he didn’t deserve to be with anyone, with Jun even, and most especially with Nino, not after what he’d done. For breaking his promise, for going back on his word just because he thought the love of his life had died. He didn’t even know how he was going to explain this all to Nino, once Nino regained his memories, knowing full well that he was going to break Nino’s heart when it happened.
Forever, he’d promised Nino then, I’ll love you forever, he’d said, but what did he do? Jumping into bed with another person to keep himself from going crazy for missing Nino wasn’t exactly the best explanation for what he did, despite it being true. How would he tell Nino this?
Would he even dare?
And what about Jun? Would the truth about Nino turning up alive reason enough for him to break Jun’s heart, too?
God, he fucked up big time. Really messed everything up this time and he honestly didn’t know how to fix it.
And then there was Jun, too. He was certain that Jun leaving meant their relationship was heading towards the opposite direction too, despite the fact that Jun didn’t say so when he left, so he guessed that was that. He’d tried his hardest not to give in, but the minute he watched Jun walked out of the door, he was out of it too, with all the intension to find Nino.
He deserved no one else, really.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, shaking to the core as his tears blinded him, blinking through the blurry wetness as he reached over to settle his hands over Nino’s small ones, missing him terribly and knowing in his heart that the years he spent thinking Nino was dead didn’t diminished the love he had for the younger man, not even for a bit.
He cried, knowing that here, now, even after finding out that Nino was alive, he’d have to let Nino go.
He had to. He had to, before he ended up hurting Nino, too.
+
“You look dumb, no, stop smiling, oh my god, what are you doing?” he pushed back, giggling despite himself, tugging the covers over him in his valiant attempt to get away. The other man didn’t let him.
“No, leave me alone, I said!”
“I thought you like my face?”
He couldn’t help it, he was giggling again, hiding his face from the other man’s questing hands. The pillows and the sheets smelled like his favorite fabric conditioner and them, and he liked it so much he was breathing the scent in before he could even stop himself.
“Not when you’re being gross and stupid, oh my god, get away from me and go finish shaving! You’re going to smear that disgusting thing everywhere!”
“It’s your shaving cream!”
“So stop using it!”
“Eh, but you said you don’t like it when my stubbles are growing–“
“I said no such thing!”
There’s a warm puff of air at the backs of his head and he squirmed away on cue. “Oh, stop lying, will you?”
“Get off me!”
“Not until I get that good morning kiss! Come on, give me a kiss first,” the other man cooed, hands grabbing him around the hips, pulling, catching his ankles and burying his face against the small of his back, just above his hipbone. He wriggled out of the way, or least tried to, found himself being flipped over on his back and getting pinned on the bed, the other man’s weight following.
“No way –“
He trashed weakly beneath the other man’s weight pinning him down, already feeling his resolve weakening. The other man leaned down till they’re almost nose to nose, their lips almost touching, biting his lips knowing he was being stared at with longing and tenderness behind the other man’s eyes.
A hand covered his cheek, his jaw, and a soft whimper escaped his lips. “Have I told you I love you lately?”
“I don’t know, you tell me.” he countered, only half teasing.
The man’s smile was soft around the edges, gentle as was his hold around Nino’s face. “I love you, Nino, I love you –“
“Oh –“
“Kazu, wake up, hey, are you okay?” he opened his eyes to the sound of her mother’s distressed voice, the worried frown on her forehead as she shook him awake. He blinked a few times and nodded, allowing her to help him sit up on the bed.
“Were you having a bad dream?” she asked, after a brief moment of silence. He sighed and nodded again. “What was it about?”
He shrugged, not knowing exactly how to tell his mother about the dream. Well, he could – the dream’s content was pretty tame, considering – but it’s his partner in the dream that worried him a little. And then somehow, unconsciously, his thoughts drifted to the man who visited him earlier, the worrying familiarity he felt when the man pulled him into the man’s arms.
Somehow, it was strange, because he’d never felt such overwhelming urge to cry with another person he swore was practically a stranger, with that Ohno person especially, when the man cried earlier the moment he was tugged into the other man’s arms, the odd way his heart was telling him it was okay to let the man close, closer even despite the way his brain was outright questioning it.
“Kazu?” she called, prompting him back to the present. “Is something wrong?”
He shook his head and gave her a small smile. “The guy earlier, Ohno-san, he left?” he asked. His mother simply nodded in answer. He tilted his head in thought, remembering the way he reacted to the man’s proximity, and how pleasant it actually felt to have him near.
It was confusing as much as it was amusing.
“Do you know him?” he followed, frowning. “Aiba-chan said he was my best friend from University, is it true?”
His mother looked confused for a moment, but she was smiling again the next time he looked at her.
“He was?”
“Yeah. Aiba-chan said so.”
“Oh, okay.”
He didn’t realize he’d narrowed his eyes at her until she chuckled and reached over to poke his cheek.
“You didn’t answer the question, Mom,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Do I know him like Aiba-chan told me?” he said, then, turning to her, “Do you?”
“If Aiba-kun said so, maybe it’s true?”
“Aiba-chan isn’t really the epitome of honesty.”
His mother laughed at that. “Don’t let him hear you say that, you might hurt his feelings.”
“Don’t worry, he’s used to it.”
“Poor boy. It’s no joke, I think, the things he had to endure for being your friend, huh?”
He made a face at her, feigning hurt. “Mom!”
“Sorry, sorry!”
He blinked again, clearing his throat as he reached for his mother’s hand, and opting on letting go of that topic for now. He had other things to worry about, and it was mostly about himself. Somehow, that dream prompted him to think about it, to try and remember if he ever did tell anyone close to him that wasn’t Aiba-chan about the other parts of himself he hadn’t talked about with just anyone, his sexual preference, particularly.
He honestly had no memory of ever coming out to his family, but maybe now’s the best time to do so if in case he hadn’t been able to before. Somehow, he had a feeling that doing so would help him remember.
“Mom, can I ask you something?”
She squeezed his hand and smiled. “Of course,” she whispered, “you can ask me anything. Are you okay?”
He gave her a smile. “I’m fine,” he said, “Just –“ he breathed hard, unable to quell the uncertain feeling plaguing him from the inside. Another breath; it’s now or never. “Did I ever get to…tell you guys that I’m, you know?”
“What?”
He heaved another sigh. “That… I’m gay?” he said.
There was a brief pause in which he found himself staring at his mother, and that unreadable emotion blinking behind her eyes.
Then she smiled, fingers brushing his cheek in the way that was nothing but affectionate, her look equally-fond as she nodded back at him in answer.
“On the day you came of age, you did,” she said, pinching his chin softly. “But you know what I told you then?”
He shook his head. He didn’t really remember.
“That you didn’t have to, because we know,” she said, pulling him to her, hugging him. “And that it doesn’t matter because we love you just the way you are.”
He smiled, wetly, into her neck and knew for a fact that he was the luckiest person for being born to her, for being her son.
+
Somehow, knowing that the truth was finally out of the way, he thought it was better to ask about stuff that he was certain was related to it. It took him a long moment to gather up the courage but when he did, he was honestly amazed to realize that his mother didn’t even look the least bit surprised when he asked her, though her answer completely contradicted the look on her face.
“So you’re saying you…have no idea if…if I was involved with someone else before…before the accident?” he asked. His mother remained uncharacteristically quiet after he’d told her his dream, about the man he was with, whose face he couldn’t remember.
“I – well, I can’t really –“
“You do, don’t you?”
She said nothing though the expression on her face gave her away. He took her hand in his, squeezed their fingers together. He was certain her obvious hesitance was once again due to the fact that she firmly believed in letting him remember things in his own sweet time, but this waiting game was seriously getting in his nerves.
It also didn’t help that after meeting that Ohno person earlier, he’d been swept up by this feeling of déjà vu that it was getting hard to ignore it.
“Who is it?” he mumbled, heart thumping crazily fast in his chest. “Mom, who is it?” he repeated, his growing anxiousness felt too heavy to handle already.
She looked so sad when she shook her head and tugged him into her, pressing her lips to the top of his head.
“It’s not Ohno-san, is it?” he said, only vaguely hoping he wasn’t wrong. He didn’t understand himself, his feelings upon meeting the guy but maybe he would, soon. He’s determined to uncover things for himself, but he’d need all the help he could get.
“Mom, tell me, please,” he breathed, his suspicion growing every second that ticked by. “Was it – Was it Ohno-san?”
She said nothing for a long moment, until he heard her spoke into his hair, soft and just barely audible through the sounds of his own heart beating loud and hard inside his ribcage.
“I’m sorry, Kazu. I’m so sorry.”
